(?) - lonely

lonely (by deav)
Rio, Ago 2003 - Mai-Ago 2004 (?)

space measured by time
time measured by how i feel
time passes differently to each one
i believe

drag my big heart around
(it) doesn’t fit in the subway
it shatters, you should see
beautifully

it’s nonsense, i know
but let me imagine you
through all the lonely nights
sad, as it may be, it’s true
the countless times
that i’ve made love to you
without you here

the silly things we do
to fill the hole inside
they’re not enough to wash
away the fear

one eye green, one eye blue
i made it hard to find
i sabotage myself
pathetically

it’s hopeless, i know
but let me treasure you
for just a little while
strange as it may be, it’s true
when things are crumbling down
it only takes the thought of you…

* * *

(?) - butterfly effect

butterfly effect (by deav)
Rio, Jul-Ago 2004 (?)

we become the choices we make
but we never care much
‘bout the promises we break

and as for the road we take
we can’t help wondering
‘bout the road not taken

when everything sounds like an omen
we get frozen
scared of the next step

the more we try
to avoid the consequences
the more we become
the agents of our own fate

what do we do?
who can i turn to
if the pain is self inflicted
and i’m the only one to blame?

where can we go?
what does the future keep?
if tomorrow doesn’t come
until it becomes today?

skeletons we keep in the closet
come back to haunt us
lurking around our soul

and as for the sins we overlook
sooner or later
evil collects its toll
what do we do ? …

* * *

i will be beaten

so now i discover that writing in lower case is bad... after all the work of deliberately taking the upper case format from all the "i"... . maybe i can be excused for taking the liberty, because i'm not a native speaker (though that's not really the reason why i do it). does it really bother anyone (else)? sorry, but that's my way. the web is supposed to be a democratic forum, where freedom of speech and expression can be put into practice. there are worse things to worry about on the net, things that can be harmful to people's minds and spirits. but the question is, who sets the rules? who controls the controller ? i believe there's a common sense, a sense of what is good, that is above all the differences. this sense tells me, that "lower case x upper case" issue is too small to bother. but i bothered to write about it, so let me be beaten. for that.

ufa !

i finished posting my lyrics today, finally. feels a little like delivering a child (though i've never gone through the experience in this life) ... now they're out there. looking forward to writing the next forty. it seems like they're not as many as they should be considering the time it took me to write them. but they mean a lot, they're parts of me, layers of skin.

(?) - barely living

barely living (by deav)
Rio, Jul 2004 (?)

wake up, the clock is ringing
stand up, the room is spinning
back down,
it’s there, but i can’t see the sun

eight minutes more, the clock
is snoozing, i get up again
eyes blurred,
i stand up and just stumble on

i can’t see my face,
hidden by scrambled hair
in sleepy confusion,
yawning, i mumble
i’m barely living

one hour to get ready
and leave, twenty minutes to get there
where i am, yet i am not

feel like a ghost, a lost soul
things flow like in slow motion
feel like a fish inside a water bowl

night falls, all the way back
knowing tomorrow will be
the same,
head on the pillow i wonder
i’m barely living

* * *

exposed - crazy # 3

crazy #3 (by deav)
Rio, Mai 2003 - Jun 2004
(exposed)

i could smoke a pack of cigarettes in a roll
i could stop eating
i could stop bathing, cleaning up

i could develop a heavier addiction
i could have bad effects
and call up all my neighbors for help

when all i want is a little conversation
i could repeat myself
i could repeat myself

but i don’t
but i don’t
but i don’t

i could take my clothes off on the street
i could fuck the first person i meet
i could curse everyone at work
there are many fucked up things
that i could think of

when all i want is a little bit of attention
i could hurt myself
i could kill myself

but i don’t
but i don’t
but i don’t

guess i’m not so crazy after all (yet)
guess i’m not so crazy…

* * *

exposed - retrograde # 2

retrograde #2 (by deav)
Brasília, Mai 2004
(exposed)

sit here
watching planes go by
sucking smoke
as they cross the dark sky
it’s not that
i haven’t been like this before
only now i feel lonely and sore

miles away from home
thinking ‘bout nothing
a little bit ‘bout you
but that’s a sad thing
if home is where your heart is
then i’m homeless
with a shattered heart like this

i wonder
if you were here with me
should i need
someone help me be
if only
i could find an answer
it would be good if i
could understand the questions

so old
but never started living
crazy dreaming
i feel like losing it
no plane
can take me to your eyes
at least there’re fireflies

if only i could make some sense…

* * *

(?) - red moon

red moon (by deav)
Rio, Mar - Abr 2004 (?)

sometimes
i wonder it’s my life i’m living
or somebody else’s

it’s time
to figure out a way of digging
an exit for myself

cause
everything i wanted to do
everything i wanted to know
is falling down

all the time
i wonder why i’m here just sleeping
i wanna be awake

if only i could remember
maybe i could stop dragging
the chains i must break

but
i get more and more wrapped up
in this thread of madness

look into my eyes
you know you just gotta say it
tell me why
please stay (say it)

* * *

exposed - retrograde

retrograde (by deav)
Rio, Jan 2004
(exposed)

invaded my time
invaded my space
don’t like it, don’t like it

invaded my thoughts
changed my plans
don’t like it, don’t like it

is it all worth
for the way you make me feel?

took hold of my body
i like it, i like it

it’s so hard to change my ways
do i like it? i don’t like it

is it all worth …?

it’s too early to say i love you
so i won’t, no i won’t

guess i’m not ready for you
no i’m not, no i’m not

is it al worth …?

* * *

exposed - winged

winged (by deav)
Rio, Ago 2003
(exposed)

down on the subway
the lights are cold
but i feel warm
almost feel like i belong

i’ll be getting there soon
the rest of my life awaits me
guess now it won’t be long

i’ve come to realize
i’ve got to leave the cave
oh, what a surprise
the wings are on me now
i fly to the sun, i burn
i’ll be reborn somehow

i feel so old yet so young
everything is changing fast
hope i don’t do anything wrong
i feel so weak yet so strong
will anything i’ve been last
i have to move away go on

i’ve come to realize
i’ve got to leave the nest
oh, what a surprise
the wings are on me now
i fly to the sun, i burn
i’ll be reborn somehow

* * *

(?) - lost umbrellas

lost umbrellas (by deav)
Rio, Ago 2003 (?)

the smoke i don’t exhale
where does it go?
the tears that i don’t shed
do they drench my heart? i drown
do i drown from the inside?

the things that i forget
where do lost memories go?
and all the paths i’ve walked
where do i go? do i go?
or just lie by the side of the road?

old answers don’t fit
when questions change

does love hurt? does pain kill?
what about the water that flows to the sea
is it the same that rains over me?

do thoughts fly? where do lost dreams go?
how many umbrellas have you lost?
have you found, have you ever found any?

old answers don’t fit
when questions change

* * *

(?) - truth

truth (by deav)
Rio, Ago 2003 (?)

oh, tell me your secret
the one i have to know
if you tell me i’ll decide
the way i want to go

your telling me is crucial
to the step i have to take
your answer’s fundamental
to the choice i wish to make

so tell me what you’ve been hiding
from me
oh, don’t be afraid
the truth will set you free

don’t panic, it’s not like you’re
confessing a sin our a crime
got an idea of what you’re keeping
so tell me and save us precious time

don’t worry bout losing what we have
your secret can’t be so bad
for i can’t be completely wrong
i’ve learned it with my heart
not with my head

so tell me what you’ve been hiding
from me
oh, don’t be afraid
the truth will set us free…

* * *

exposed - half

half (by deav)
Rio, Ago 2003
(exposed)

i’ve cleaned up half the house
i’ve washed half the dishes
but the clothes i’ve washed them all
i have lived half my life
i’ve learned half the speeches
but the truth i think i’ll never learn it all

guess i’ll never know
if the glass is half full or half empty
guess it turns out the same in the end

i’ve said many lies
guess half of them were true
and of the loves i’ve loved
half of them were real
i have been half a being
looking for another half to fulfill me
i guess now i’m whole
looking for another whole, still

guess i’ll never know…

* * *

exposed - untouchable

untouchable (by deav)
Rio, Ago 2003
(exposed)

don’t look at me this way
i don’t think i can resist
maybe i don’t want to
you don’t need to insist

what is it that you’ve got
that makes me feel like a prey?
it should be bad but it’s not
it’s weird to like it this way

don’t touch me this way
don’t touch me this way
don’t touch me that way again

never felt like this before
for sure it is something new
i don’t want to wait no more
i wish to give in to you

this total loss of control
it could be good or so bad
right or wrong i don’t know
you’ve crawled up inside my head

don’t touch …

* * *

harvest (?) - lazy young dressmaker

lazy young dressmaker (by deav)
Rio, Jul 2003
(harvest?)

lazy young dressmaker
remember what your grandmamma said
keep your thread short
keep your scissors sharp
you got plenty of work ahead

gotta sew a shirt for your man
ain’t got money for a piece of silk
gotta harvest the cotton in the field
with your own two small bare hands…

lazy young dressmaker…

spin the cotton into a fine thread
weave the cloth in the loom
careful not to stain the white with red
‘cause your man will be home soon

lazy young dressmaker…

gotta sew a quilt for your child
paint the scenes with colorful shreds
keep your stitches small and steady
for in three months it must be ready

lazy young dressmaker…

* * *

(?) - supercalifragilistic day

supercalifragilistic day (by deav)
Rio, Jun 2003 (?)

i remember him walking up our street
his brown suit, his grey hat
and his magical bag
he was hard to miss

he would bring joy every time he came
not only cause he brought
candy bags my height
but cause from him i learned
the awe of simple things
that he should disappear, that’s not right

i’m just here taking cotton candy
and popcorn from my bag
our laughter lifts us up
and brings a supercalifragilistic day
i’m just here, taking cocoanut candies
and mint gum, from my bag
our laughter lifts us up
and brings a supercalifragilistic day

i would go down the slide right into his arms
of wooden pieces i would build my castle
with stories about the laponians on my mind

he was our own private mary poppins
our very own summer santa claus
funny that my kids say now
i’m the one that brings the feeling of wonder
he used to bring to our house

i’m just here, taking lollypops
and lace lamps from my bag
our laughter lifts us up
and brings a supercalifragilistic day
i’m just here, taking flying umbrellas
and teddy bears from my bag
our laughter lifts us up
and brings a supercalifragilistic day

* * *

harvest (?) - hope

hope (by deav)
Rio, Jun 2003
(harvest?)

one minute you were here
the center of my life
though i didn’t think of that all the time
the other you were gone, taken away
i didn’t figure out why till today

i regret i took you for granted
watching you grow up
was something so certain
it’s hard to realize
your image is vanishing
your picture tells me
it’s nobody’s fault but mine

sorry it’s been so long
that for an hour or so
i manage to forget you
but then i remember
what it is to walk in the world
with a hole
where there used to be a heart

sometimes i wake up from a dream
where i was holding you again
i just keep on searching
i wonder what keeps me going
it’s hope, just hope

i wonder if all of this will ever be over
the worst thing is not knowing
i confess sometimes
i wish i got bad news
what kind of person have i become?

sorry it’s been so long
that for an hour or so
i manage to forget you
but then i remember
what it is to walk in the world
with a hole where there used to be a heart

* * *

exposed - this

this (by deav)
Rio, Mai 2003
(exposed)

just as we’d started
feeling comfortable
in each others arms
putting aside the knowledge
of the parting hour getting by
daring to choose the names
of the children we’d make together
that was sweet, but we had to go

soon there’ll be an ocean between us
it’s sad but soon everything
but the memories,
will fade away, even those,
just until they start to hurt too bad
then they’ll be gone
hope a little bit of them remain
enough to turn into a song or two
in the years to come

think of all the things
that never came to be
we’re all in the hands of fate
if i had just crossed a street
i would have never seen your face
i guess the timing was wrong
maybe it wasn’t meant to be, after all
though it felt so strong
what rises eventually falls
at least we had this
at least we had this
that we had
at least we had this…

* * *

exposed - block

block (by deav)
Rio, Mai-Jul 2003
(exposed)

i was alive
i was awake
i was spinning ‘round
dancing to my sound

i was drunk with joy
i was drenched in hope
i was emitting light
holding life tight

yet there was a spot of shadow
a drop of fear of what lied ahead
after all, "happiness always ends"
"that’s the one thing
you must understand"

what i feared most is taking place
the shadow has wiped the smile off my face
please don’t let me be trapped inside again
please don’t let me live in never-ending pain

make it not be…

i’ve walked this path before
thought what i was free for good
i don’t want to be alone anymore
if you could save me
i wonder if you would

what i feared most is taking place …

* * *

exposed - bounce

bounce (by deav)
Rio, Mai-Jun 2003
(exposed)

sometimes i feel like a rubber ball
bouncing from ceiling to floor
and every wall
body aching, broken head
i wonder if i pass through the door
i’ll be run over and thorn

sometimes i feel like a dry rose leaf
taken and carried by a raging wind
thoughts spinning as i spin around
i wonder when i get to the ground
i’ll be stepped upon
in a moment so brief

wish i could only feel like myself
if only i knew how…

sometimes i feel like a seaweed
floating through the shifting currents
brought from the chasm
by waves and torrents
i wonder when i get to the shore
i’ll dry out and die under the sun

wish i could only feel like myself
if only i knew how…

* * *

exposed - moon on the corner

moon on the corner (by deav)
Rio, Mai-Jun 2003
(exposed)

the days are heart-crushing
what’s the meaning of everything?
what am i doing here
if my will lies elsewhere?

the hours are longer
but the sun is gone too soon
i was getting stronger
now i long for locking myself up in my room

i can’t sleep i roll over
i feel life is getting shorter
the smoke whirls up
and hides the moon on the corner

the nights are never long enough
to make up for the time loss of the day
when i finally turn off the other peoples’ lives
it’s tomorrow, today is yesterday

the hours finally weigh on my eyelids
only there’s no sandman song
nightmares hurt only when i breathe
i must be doing something wrong

i can’t sleep i roll over
i feel life is getting shorter
the smoke whirls up
and hides the moon on the corner

* * *

exposed - box

box (by deav)
Rio, Mai-Jun 2003
(exposed)

i’m packed up in a concrete box
wrapped up in paint, dust and wire
i can only see a little piece of sky
is that the sun, that ball of fire?

the vicious sickening choking air
comes in with a scary roaring sound
the phantom blinding cold lights
hurt the eyes that roll around

we’re the box people
we crawl from box to box
we’ve become boxes ourselves
where we lock up our hearts…

there are others here with me
buried in piles of paper
i’m cuffed to my chair
we’re the screaming boxes
can’t you see?
but no-one fucking seems to care

we’re the box people…

* * *

exposed - devil's gold

devil’s gold (by deav)
Rio, Mai-Jun 2003
(exposed)

now i’m properly labeled
i’m a number in a tag
i feel almost comfortable now
i’ll be counted in again

now i wear a badge
now i’m in the system
now i’ll give my mind and blood
in exchange for the devil’s gold

it’s a relief, actually
after being disconnected
for a while
i can breathe finally
now that my life is back
to a file

now i wear a leash
i’ll wear it till i get old
now i’ll give my heart and soul
in exchange for the devil’s gold

and the brief taste of hope
and the soft wind of freedom
will be dropped along the road
as i gladly worship the shadow kingdom

(set me free)

* * *

the awakening - someone

someone (by deav)
Rio, Mai 2003
(the awakening)

you who comes from afar
from distant lands
please tell me something good
come and tell me
there, where you come from
are there children laughing?
are there?
are there love songs? are there?
someone, somewhere
must be happy

you who comes from near
in a time machine
please tell me something good
come and tell me
then, when you come from
is there freedom for all?
is a man judged by the measure
of his integrity?
someone, sometime
must be happy

you who comes from above
in a space ship
please tell me something good
come and tell me
there, in the silent vacuum
do you people live in friendship?
and does love last forever,
or is it like here?
someone, somehow
must be happy

* * *

the awakening - crazy # 2

crazy#2 (by deav)
Rio, Mar–Mai 2003
(the awakening)

you don’t know me enough to tell
you don’t know me enough to tell
what suits me, what fits me

you don’t know me enough to tell
you don’t know me enough to tell
what digs me, what heats me

you’re driving me crazy
never cease to amaze me
do you really call this love?
if it’s so, please, hate me

i guess you know me enough to use
i guess you know me enough to use
what hurts me against me

i guess you know me enough to use
i guess you know me enough to use
what sucks me, what fucks me

if you hate me i can fight back
i can defend myself
but if you love me this twisted way
there’s no way, i’ll go crazy

you say
this is all for your own good
this is all for your own good
sorry
i find it hard to believe

crazy …

* * *

the awakening - tljg

traffic light juggler girl (tljg) (by deav)
Rio, Abr 2003
(the awakening)

look at her
she’s throwing balls in the air
she’s not very good
but she could be worse at her age
this city is a circus
but who’s the clown here?
who’s the beast locked up in a cage?

you fear her you’d better do
what harm could a child do?
but her fear is bigger and it’s not of you
but of the eyes that watch in a distance
watching you too

you’re just passing by, acclimatized
but she has to stay
there’s no way out for her
only those that take her, stigmatized
to dark alleys and stinking rooms

better stay under the three way lights
like sad spotlights on an open stage
to a show no-one stays long enough to watch

then the bride passes by in a metal chariot
the closer to a fairy tale that she’ll ever get
and in a magical moment
they exchange tears and smiles
and it’s just like they’re just two girls, period

and the traffic light juggler girl
watches as the dream goes other ways
never to realize
that a couple of crystals on the bridal gown
could buy her food for a couple of days

and the flying balls fall down…

(the fucking hypocrite who wrote this song
but never did a single thing…)

* * *

exposed - from the middle

from the middle (by deav)
Rio, Abr 2003
(exposed)

never been in anybody’s hands like that
i hope you understand your delicate position
you become responsible for those you tame
but i don’t wanna talk about that now

but it’s also a choice i’m making
i’m fully aware of that
i’m scared but i’ll face this uncertain situation
the outcome will be as good
as i allow it to be
but i don’t wanna talk about that now

for now
just take my hand
take me to bed
let’s sleep embraced tonight

* * *

exposed - axis

axis (by deav)
Petrópolis, Abr 2003
(exposed)

i’m here
don’t know where i’ve been
everything i did
it wasn’t me, it wasn’t me
so many voices
pushing me through
unchosen paths
holding me down, holding me back

i got to find myself

i’m lost here
don’t know where i’m headed
please, not the way
the voices said, the voices said
you got to live in fear
you got to live in pain
you’ll go though life
unloved and unloving

i got to find myself

i’m just here
almost silence in my head
who’s speaking now?
is it me? is it me?
i’m not going anywhere
i’ll just sit here for a while
tuning my soul
till it coincides with
the axis of the world

i got to find myself…

* * *

the awakening - onironaut

onironaut (by deav)
Rio, Abr 2003
(the awakening)

do i wake up when i wake up?
is this real or just a bad, bad, bad dream?
it’s hard when you wish you could break the clock
and keep on dreaming

dream traveller…

i have the power here
i can conquer fear
i can be wild
i can have a child
i can love anyone i choose
and be loved in return
onironaut

how many lives i’ve lived
so many lives but mine
her i can decide
that everything turns out fine

dream traveller…

i have the power here…

i dream some day my stillness
in the real world will end
i’ll stop being tossed away
for i have a soul to mend

dream traveller…

i have the power here…

* * *

exposed - not today

not today (by deav)
Rio, Abr 2003
(exposed)

the pain, the pain
it’s been there all day
though until now
i’ve lived my life in vain
i don’t want to die today

my life so far
has been sweetened with sweeter
always with that bitter taste in the end
i myself don’t understand why
i don’t want to die today

my body hurts all over
is it some cosmic joke?
when i’ve started to discover my own way
should the thread of life be broken?
no, i don’t want to die today

now that i started feeling?
now that i see some meaning?
now that i started singing?
now that my thoughts are spinning?
no, not today.

* * *

the awakening - answer

answer (by deav)
Porto de Galinhas, Abr 2003
(the awakening)

only now i got the message you left long ago
i hope there’s still time to go with you
i like to think
it was meant for me

see, i’m just taking a few things
just a towel and my slippers
i got extra money for the gas
i like to think
you wrote that song for me
for me…

they say i’m too old and all for that
i should know better
could it be more pathetic than that?
i don’t care i hope you don’t
i don’t want to be alone
if it’s still up
it’s a good chance i’d love to take
a good chance i’d love to take…

* * *

exposed - unblacken

unblacken (by deav)
Rio, Mar 2003
(exposed)

i heard your voice from afar
you sounded so sad
it made me cry
i cried for you, i cried for me
the pains are alike
the dark shade on the heart

i wish there could be light in your life
i wish i could be there by your side
wish you could know me
but you never will
i’m sending light waves
can you fell?

i see your face from afar
now you look quite well
it makes me smile
i smile for you, i smile for me
the relief is alike
the shades raised from the heart

i wish by now there’s light in your life
i wish i could be there by your side
wish you could know me
ah, but you never, never will
i’m sending love waves, anyway
can you fell?

feel kissed on the soul…

* * *

the awakening - vilify

vilify (by deav)
Rio, Mar - Abr 2003)
(the awakening)

bring it on
it’s not that i am strong
i know you’re gonna come anyway
go on
your work is almost done
i know you’ve spared me some
more bad things

my face is on the ground
i guess i can’t go deeper than this
what are you waiting for
the final strike’s the sweeter
i won’t resist

vilify me, you can’t satisfy me
mystify me, you can’t simplify me
come on, you just can’t deny me
the look on your face
when you’re finished with me
and i smile … back, smile… back

can’t you see, you can smash me
but not what i am
i’m a child of the stars
you can grind me
but my essence will rise
i’ll rise!

* * *

harvest (?) - blossom

blossom (by deav)
Rio, Mar 2003
(harvest?)

hey, baby
i guess it’s been so long since we last met
maybe this time will be better
so let’s just hope for the best

i think i’ll never be
ready enough for you
through time i know i haven’t been
good enough for you

‘cause i know everything
i don’t know anything
there’re too many layers to burn
before i can unwrap my soul
i know everything
i don’t know anything
there’re too many pulled strings to cut
before i can untie my soul

hey, baby
the seed of love‘s been sown
let it blossom
maybe this life
will be a good past life for the next
(who knows)

i think i’ll never be ….

‘cause i know everything ….

be welcome
i’m here
with arms wide open…

* * *

the awakening - march 2003

___/____/____ (march 2003) (by deav)
Rio, Mar 2003
(the awakening)

and the world’s at war again…
my daddy says the stupid ones
do stupid things three times in a roll
before they understand
either there’re too many stupid ones
or their stupidity can’t have an end

so the world’s at war again…
children will get motherless again
and die alone
flowers will be stepped upon the battle field
and be soaked up with tears and blood
exchanging human lives and souls
for little drops of black gold

so i ask, why?
we’re all together on the same old blue balloon
floating in the endless space
there’s nowhere else to escape

so the world’s at war again…
while they drop the bombs from high above
they cannot see the enemy’s eyes
‘cause if only they could
they’d see beyond the color of the skin
and the way he worships god
that he’s just another man
a brother in the universal home

so i ask, why?
we’re all together on the same old blue balloon
floating in the endless space
there’s nowhere else to escape

* * *

exposed - measure love

measure love (by deav)
Rio, Mar 2003
exposed

if … you…cared
you could see by my swollen eyes
i’ve been crying
crying all night
if you cared
you’d realize i’ve been crying
over no-one else but you, that’s right
but i know, i’m sure
you couldn’t care less than you already do

you said i didn’t love you enough
‘cause i didn’t grab my heart out
to give it to you
you said i didn’t love you enough
‘cause i didn’t grab my soul off
to give it to you

but how do you measure love?
how do you measure love?
by inches, by grams?
or by the amount of pain
that’s left behind when love is gone?
if it’s so, if it’s so, if it’s so
i guess i loved too much

* * *

harvest (?) - mirror

mirror (by deav)
Rio, Jul 2004
(harvest ?)

boy’s thinking about
what it is to be aging
he asks grandma, she says
it’s like being eighteen
in a body that’s decaying
(boy thinks to himself)
she must be losing her mind
it can’t be like that
i don’t believe it
but years from now
he sees his face in the mirror
and says to himself
i know what you mean…

father’s talking about
the end of the party
what comes next doesn’t matter
and how the choices you’ve made
make you a slave
like sleepwalking
(daughter thinks to herself)
he must be losing his mind
it can’t be like that
i will be different
but years from now
she sees her face in the mirror
and says to herself
i know what you mean…

baby’s talking about
when she carried her dad
in her arms
daddy laughs to himself
dad is too big for you
it’s the other way around
(daddy thinks to himself)
she must be playing my mind
it can’t be like that
i don’t believe it
but years from now
he sees his face in the mirror
and says to himself
i know what you mean…