changes

things keep on changing. i just decided to get loose and go with the flow. perhaps i got too loose, because now i can't get myself to do the things i have to do. "buried in piles of paper, cuffed to my chair". i should be working right now, although it's actually almost 7 p.m. here.

this emotional whirlwind is good for writing songs, though. the melodies have been coming to me first, but the words are not so easy to be born.

i'm just exausted.

even though there are hundreds of people a couple of clicks away, the profiles seem to keep me away from them, and them from me. either they're too young, or too old, or unatractive somehow, and, bottomline, everyone is judging everyone, enhancing the sense of isolation.

como diria minha amiga Ju, "como é difícil lidar com os humanos..."

whatever.

piercing - epilogue

i hope it's the last entry about this subject. i managed to see another doctor, a dermathologist, that same day; she confirmed the infection and, as the anaesthesia had no effect, she cleansed my ear in cold blood, squeezing and taking the suppurated material with nippers; i felt like William Wallace under torture. wide range antibiotics, anti-allergics (i have a feeling this word is all wrong), an ointment, i could finally sleep, the pain is gone, i have my ear back. she said i may be allergic to the pigment in the tattoo paints (not mentioning the contamination of the paint, sometimes people use the same tube for many clients...), so i may never have a tattoo, too. that's sad, they're an important part of my transformation in myself. whatever. anyway, i'm not feeling an outcast: 90% of the piercings go wrong. a tribe to belong to, the "absolute non-pierced". 

piercing III

apart from being really stupid , now i find time to feel freaking scared. the doctor said that i have go on antibiotics (because my ear is red and it has a big blister, what indicates the presence of infection by bacteria) or my ear will necrosate (and i don't know if this verb exists in english), meaning rot and i don't trust her because she was really mean and unsimpathetic, and i'm trying to see another doctor, oh-my-mother-earth-what-the-fuck-i-have-done. all i wanted was this little ornament in my ear. fuck.

piercing II

well, i had to take the piercing off. it turned out that i had a strong reaction to the nikel in the metal alloy (although it was surgical steel), my body would keep on trying to expel the jewel, and i would keep on being in rather unbearable pain. if i decide to try again, it'll take three months, a titanium jewel, and a lot of getting over the trauma of three days of endless pain. i wonder what lesson i'm supposed to learn from this (taking into account that i believe that everything that happens to me, good or bad, somehow i deserve). all i can think about (apart from the fact that i'm allergic to nikel) is, well, it's hard to become what you are, it's hard to make your outside match your inside. also, i have this way of making things the hard way, this pattern, this mental and emotional program that lead me to make things difficult for myself, in every level of existence, and then cry out "oh, WHY ? it's so unfair!", so drama queen i can hardly stand myself. i want to stop making things more difficult than they're supposed to be. i want to break the pattern. i want to be free. i want to write the music that comes through me. i want to be happy. as every child of the stars is meant to be.

piercing

i had my left ear pierced last saturday.  according to my three-day rule (my body reacts to antigens three days after the exposure), the reaction to this strange object in my body started today. it hurts like hell! i'm under painkillers right now. my ear is almost purple and rather swollen; no disgusting fluids, thanks to the Goddess. working was hard today, i tried vulcan meditation (the mind is stronger than the pain), but the mind was not working well today. no regrets, though (yet...), i hope the bad part passes soon. i wonder what part of the energy meridian i'm blocking or stimulating. i hope everything is ok. the next step is the tatoo.

para Ju

estou escrevendo em português especialmente pra você. fiquei feliz de ver o seu blog. pra mim está sendo uma experiência ótima, espero que seja pra você também. deixe comentários sobre minhas letras, posso até traduzir algumas pra você. :)

kimboxes em festa!!!

aêêêêêêêê!!!!!!!!!!! alegria geral na taba da tribo dos kimboxes!!! é aniversário do cacique!!! parabéns, tio Mauro, tudo de bom!!! seja feliz!!! é o que deseja aquela que, como vocês aí, tenta não se afogar no mar de rostos... Bjs. Dea.

harvest (?)

harvest is the third album-to-be by portal. the setlist is not defined yet, that's why there's a question mark. it's also a phase i'm going through, but it's about things that didn't happen yet (not in this life) or may happen in the future. do i make myself clear?

harvest (?) - jukebox (jazzy mood)

jukebox (jazzy mood) (by deav)
Rio, Mar 2003
harvest (?)

i’d rather have felt your hair
touched your skin
kissed your lips
than go through life without this

now we may go our separate ways
lonesome ways
opposed ways
but once we walked hand in hand

why do people meet on the earth
this huge ballroom
share a stealthy dance
and than spin away too soon

no, i don’t regret the past
eventually i may forget
hope i can dance once again

* * *

the awakening - secret well

secret well (by deav)
Rio, Mar 2003
the awakening

i’m not here
what you see is just an empty shell
i may seem to breathe
i pretend to see and hear so well

but i am my soul
far away from here
bathing in water, light or air
feeling crystal clear

i emerge in a secret well
it stands where i rest between lives
a little creek leaps
soft green grass to lie upon
i thought of this just now
maybe a place to call home

but it’s time to go back
the call of the world is low but strong
i yearn for rest
but they say i have to go on…

* * *

the awakening - methodic learning

methodic learning (by deav)
Rio, Mar 2003
the awakening

speechless
loathing
locked up inside for too much time
the body ain’t moving
the mind is bursting, burning out

i wanna outta here
i wanna outta here
i wanna outta here
or else i’ll start to …… (shout)

restless
steaming
so much to do, so little time
the body is shaking
the mind is splashing all around

I wanna outta here…

* * *

the awakening - warrior song

warrior song (by deav)
Rio, Mar 2003
the awakening

walking dizzy through the mist
the world on my shoulder weighing
stumbling over the fallen, amidst
blood and sweat, so sickening

yet it used to be easier
allies and enemies so well known
sure of nothing else but this
wounds would scar, you’d never die alone

time has passed, back i’m here
heads don’t roll, but hearts get crushed
in these strange, modern wars, nothing’s clear
of mind games i don’t know much

wounds don’t scar so easy, now
friends from enemies i know just some
sure of nothing else but this
i am bound to live and die alone…

* * *

the awakening - superboy

superboy (by deav)
Rio, Dez 2002- Mar 2003)
the awakening

hey, superboy
show me your smile
make me feel good for a while
hey, superboy
save my day
look right through me with your x-ray eyes

there’s so much i need to say
but it isn’t getting any easier
help me out here
help me, fly me away from here

oh, break my kryptonite heart
pull me through these lonesome ways
hey, superboy
lift me up high
ease the burden of all my yesterdays

there’s so much i need to do yet
but i ain’t getting any younger
run at light speed
don’t you turn away from me…

all right…
bye, superboy
go and save the world, now
though you’re a hero
you’re not enough for me somehow
bye, baby boy
this is the end, well
i’m no fucking hero, but
i guess i’ll have to save myself

* * *

the awakening - thirst

thirst (by deav)
Rio, Mar 2003
the awakening

drowning in a sea of faces
hardly keep my head above the surface
dreams of open spaces
dreams of lands where i can rest (stand)
surrounded by the treasures gathered
through the battles of existence

though i drink from wells of wisdom
never seem to quench the thirst

i keep on searching…

bluff with queens of hearts and aces
playing games that i can’t understand
dreams of balms of holy graces
wooden tree house by the sand
surrounded by the hearts i’ve conquered
through the dances of the souls

drink from chalices of freedom
never seem to quench the thirst

i keep on searching…

angels have no answers
promise keepers swear the oaths they mean to break
so i keep the search
till the day that i'm awake
i carry right ahead a chandelier or hows and whys
and a backpack full or tears and smiles
and songs i write …

till I find fountains of true love
maybe finally quench the thirst

i keep on searching…

* * *

lyrics #2

well, i guess the best way to publish my lyrics is one by one. i tried editing the lyrics post to include more songs, but i never get the blog thoroughly updated. maybe one by one will be better, i can find lyrics by the title. i'll think it over.

messing up

man!!??!! one of those days you wish you had stayed in bed! family... no matter how old you are, if you pay your own bills, if you live miles away, this energy, this scent, it reaches you and makes you feel down, all that crap you grew up with comes back to haunt you... fuck! and work... days like these make you feel like you were caught in the middle of a spider web, this net of litlle powers layered upon each other, and you just want to fucking work to earn the devil's gold that i'll keep you alive at some level of decency. why on earth should your computer freeze just when you need it the most, in a day like this? i need boxing classes! know for how long i've been trying to publish this very post? aaarrrrgggghhhhh! (sorry for the bad language)

lyrics

i decided to publish some of the lyrics of the songs i wrote. i resumed writing songs on a regular basis about a year ago. i call it the awakening, this phase i went through (also the title of the first album-to-be by portal): end of a long term relationship, the most public drunk shame, new job, new friends, new post graduation, new looks ... there's a second album-to-be already planned: exposed , which is exactly the phase i'm going through by now. i haven't decided if the lyrics will be organized by album or in cronological order of creation, i'll make it up as i go along.

read first

i'm working on a read first message about author's rights concerning the lyrics of my songs and trying to learn how to insert it into the blog, as a link or something (i live in a self-imposed digital exile, so this is my first experience on the net). it'll take some time because i'm really busy, so this is a preview:

portal is the name i chose for my band-to-be; i searched the net some time ago, there were not many portals, and just one brazilian band called portal do sol or something like that and they did axe music or pagode, nothing like i intend for my band (which is rock, by the way, something between dave matthews band and korn, passing through pearl jam ... whatever). please, don't use it!

my lyrics are protected by author's right (droit d'auteur), which is the system of legal protection in civil law countries which subscribed the union convention of berna (1886), according to which the act of registration is declarative of the existing right.

my lyrics, although not registered in any national or international organization of property rights, are also protected by copyright, which is the system of legal protection in common-law countries which subscribed the universal convention, according to which the act of registration (since 1976) is also declarative, not constitutive, of the existing right.

all this means that the lyrics were written by me and cannot be used for commercial purposes without my authorization and the due payment of royalties.

if you want to use them, ask me!

if you want to quote them, make a reference to the source (after all, that's what quoting means...)!

please, don't abuse them (i'll sue you)!