happy again

because RM is back! it's been two weeks now. start from scratch. no more empty mail box. thrilling discussions. making of new acquaintances. a different way of being lonely, that's what these virtual social contacts are. not less important at all, i remember well my reaction when the board went down. i'm ok now.

what that i feared the most...

has met me halfway: an empty e-mail box. man, i feel lonely. in the last couple of years i've been learning the difference between alone and lonely. definitely, lonely is much worse. you're surrounded by people that you love and yet you devaluate their presence, as if they weren't there, or worse, as if they didn't matter, they were not enough. though you feel like crap, that's, bottomline, the summit of selfishness, of egocentrism (if this word exists... whatever). so, i feel twice as bad. one life saver, though: i got my Buffy Sainte-Marie album and i'm totally blown away by "God is alive/Magic is afoot". it makes me cry everytime. i have to sing that song!

WTF!

i just got really bad news: the Red Mosquito Forum is closed! too much data, no money. i'm really sad, it's been a life saver through these times of trouble. where can i go now when i can't stand the environment? i feel like a lost child, it's so shallow to say, but it felt like a big family without the bad stuff. maybe there's something that can be done. hope dies last...

(?) sad today

sad today (by deav)
Rio, Out 2004 (?)

nothing’s changed
no tragic event’s taken place
it’s not cause this room feels strange
or i can’t remember my face
i just feel so sad
i just feel so sad today

it’s not cause i’m lonely
it’s not cause i’m getting old
it’s not cause it’s raining
it’s not cause it’s getting cold
i just feel so sad
i just feel so sad today

it’s not cause dreams seem pointless
now that the world’s at war
not cause children are starving
now that hope’s so far
i just feel so sad
i just feel so sad today

it’s not cause i hurt all over
it’s not cause i’m filled with sorrow
it’s not cause the movie is over
it’s not cause there’s work tomorrow
i just feel so sad
i just feel so sad today

* * *

(?) almost

almost (by deav)
Rio, Out 2003 - Ago 2004 (?)

you almost held my hand
you almost held me tight
i almost told you almost all
i almost felt inside

i almost showed you all of myself
you almost hide from me all of yourself
we almost kissed each other
we almost made love that night

you almost didn’t fall in love with me
i almost didn’t fall out of love with you
i almost didn’t let you go
you almost didn’t want to be with me

i almost chose to be together
you almost went away instead
if those who almost die still live
those who almost live are almost dead
almost dead

you almost needed me
i almost didn’t stop needing you
you almost used me a little bit
i almost let you use almost all of me

you almost didn’t know what to do with me
you almost didn’t know what to think of me
you almost touched my hair
you almost showed you cared (or didn’t care)

you almost didn’t fall in love with me …

though you almost didn’t love me
i almost loved you…

* * *

furtherland

it's been a really great experience, to be able to talk about my favorite band for the last 19 months now: Pearl Jam. it's great to talk with people from all over the world who share the same joy of being a fan of the band. it's been like part of my re-adolescence (middle-life crisis, yet?), it's been good, it makes me feel happy. the new things i've been learning, the music new to me, it's so exciting! i found out i actually like punk rock! it doesn't frighten me anymore. i got three Ramones albums, a Buzzcocks album, a collection of punk music from History of Rock, a collection of garage rock, and so far i enjoy every minute of it. Pearl Jam has widened my musical horizons, cause they do a cover, then i go after the original recording, a fall in love with the band. it happened with The Who. it's such a creative moment for me, my playing is improving, i've been practicing a lot playing PJ songs, my greatest feat was learning to play Dead Man, one of PJ's most impressive songs to me, all by myself, just by seeing the dvd Live At The Garden. the only set-back is i'm spending a huge amount of money on cds and dvds. the more i spend, the more i get, that's what i always say. low phase and all, that's the best time of my life. NOW!