piercing II

well, i had to take the piercing off. it turned out that i had a strong reaction to the nikel in the metal alloy (although it was surgical steel), my body would keep on trying to expel the jewel, and i would keep on being in rather unbearable pain. if i decide to try again, it'll take three months, a titanium jewel, and a lot of getting over the trauma of three days of endless pain. i wonder what lesson i'm supposed to learn from this (taking into account that i believe that everything that happens to me, good or bad, somehow i deserve). all i can think about (apart from the fact that i'm allergic to nikel) is, well, it's hard to become what you are, it's hard to make your outside match your inside. also, i have this way of making things the hard way, this pattern, this mental and emotional program that lead me to make things difficult for myself, in every level of existence, and then cry out "oh, WHY ? it's so unfair!", so drama queen i can hardly stand myself. i want to stop making things more difficult than they're supposed to be. i want to break the pattern. i want to be free. i want to write the music that comes through me. i want to be happy. as every child of the stars is meant to be.