changes

things keep on changing. i just decided to get loose and go with the flow. perhaps i got too loose, because now i can't get myself to do the things i have to do. "buried in piles of paper, cuffed to my chair". i should be working right now, although it's actually almost 7 p.m. here.

this emotional whirlwind is good for writing songs, though. the melodies have been coming to me first, but the words are not so easy to be born.

i'm just exausted.

even though there are hundreds of people a couple of clicks away, the profiles seem to keep me away from them, and them from me. either they're too young, or too old, or unatractive somehow, and, bottomline, everyone is judging everyone, enhancing the sense of isolation.

como diria minha amiga Ju, "como é difícil lidar com os humanos..."

whatever.

piercing - epilogue

i hope it's the last entry about this subject. i managed to see another doctor, a dermathologist, that same day; she confirmed the infection and, as the anaesthesia had no effect, she cleansed my ear in cold blood, squeezing and taking the suppurated material with nippers; i felt like William Wallace under torture. wide range antibiotics, anti-allergics (i have a feeling this word is all wrong), an ointment, i could finally sleep, the pain is gone, i have my ear back. she said i may be allergic to the pigment in the tattoo paints (not mentioning the contamination of the paint, sometimes people use the same tube for many clients...), so i may never have a tattoo, too. that's sad, they're an important part of my transformation in myself. whatever. anyway, i'm not feeling an outcast: 90% of the piercings go wrong. a tribe to belong to, the "absolute non-pierced". 

piercing III

apart from being really stupid , now i find time to feel freaking scared. the doctor said that i have go on antibiotics (because my ear is red and it has a big blister, what indicates the presence of infection by bacteria) or my ear will necrosate (and i don't know if this verb exists in english), meaning rot and i don't trust her because she was really mean and unsimpathetic, and i'm trying to see another doctor, oh-my-mother-earth-what-the-fuck-i-have-done. all i wanted was this little ornament in my ear. fuck.

piercing II

well, i had to take the piercing off. it turned out that i had a strong reaction to the nikel in the metal alloy (although it was surgical steel), my body would keep on trying to expel the jewel, and i would keep on being in rather unbearable pain. if i decide to try again, it'll take three months, a titanium jewel, and a lot of getting over the trauma of three days of endless pain. i wonder what lesson i'm supposed to learn from this (taking into account that i believe that everything that happens to me, good or bad, somehow i deserve). all i can think about (apart from the fact that i'm allergic to nikel) is, well, it's hard to become what you are, it's hard to make your outside match your inside. also, i have this way of making things the hard way, this pattern, this mental and emotional program that lead me to make things difficult for myself, in every level of existence, and then cry out "oh, WHY ? it's so unfair!", so drama queen i can hardly stand myself. i want to stop making things more difficult than they're supposed to be. i want to break the pattern. i want to be free. i want to write the music that comes through me. i want to be happy. as every child of the stars is meant to be.

piercing

i had my left ear pierced last saturday.  according to my three-day rule (my body reacts to antigens three days after the exposure), the reaction to this strange object in my body started today. it hurts like hell! i'm under painkillers right now. my ear is almost purple and rather swollen; no disgusting fluids, thanks to the Goddess. working was hard today, i tried vulcan meditation (the mind is stronger than the pain), but the mind was not working well today. no regrets, though (yet...), i hope the bad part passes soon. i wonder what part of the energy meridian i'm blocking or stimulating. i hope everything is ok. the next step is the tatoo.