bad news

well, i had one of the most humiliating days at work today. my boss associated my low productivity at work to my constant visits to the internet. although he knows about my current situation, the depression, the panic attacks, the medical leave a couple of months ago, and in spite of my explanation, that the internet is not the cause of my low performance, but an attempt to solve the problem, by having somewhere to go to when my head refuses to think, he asked if i wanted to keep on working in the department, if my doctor could arrange another leave (the answer to that being, not now, that i`m getting better... ironic) and if i could compromise with some date to improve my performance. as if i could predict when i`ll be feeling well... so, no more internet at work. that means no internet ever, because i still don`t have a computer at home. maybe a couple of times a week, at the mall, like right now. together with all the shit i`ve been getting lately, i find myself again in this pathetic situation, that seems to be this unbreakable pattern in my life, no matter how hard i try to delete it. and, believe, i try. and succeed, specially in the last couple of years. only i`m too tired this time, as i`ve never been before. with all the good things that i had the chance to enjoy, i guess now happiness only makes it hurt more...